Archive - October, 2007
finding rest
This weekend was good. I found myself sleeping a lot, which really needed to happen given the past 2 weeks on campus, with a trip to Budapest in between. In the midst of all of this rest – my soul wasn’t resting. I don’t think I’ve ever made a clear distinction before of physical rest and spiritual rest. My head has been tormented with all of these thoughts like, “you’ll always be lonely here, you’ll never make it 9 more months, you shouldn’t have come, you don’t belong, your team will never bond, your ministry is useless here, you’ll never learn the language, your friends at home will forget about you, you will constantly be like this through out the year…” Typing it out makes me realize how utterly ridiculous it is that I’ve been believing this stuff. I think that’s what the enemy seeks to do, is to render me useless for ministry so that this year goes to waste. I don’t want that to happen and I’m calling him out on it.
God always times things just right. Last week, I struggled to find time with God in His word, in fact I sometimes avoided it. I didn’t want to run to it even though I knew that was the thing I needed the most. I’ve been reading through a book that is walking me through the beatitudes and helping me discover for myself what it means. Today there was a focus on meekness (as it has been for the past week or so). The verse was on rest, the verse everyone knows in Matthew 11:28-30. For the first time today, I think I understand what it means to find rest in God. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” A yoke is something that they would put on animals to carry a load into town or wherever they might be going on their journey. I really get this verse now. I’ve been believing all of these things that just clearly are not true. I’ve been telling people to pray for me, that I would let go and I knew I was holding on to something. Now, I see what it is that I’m holding on to – fear. So today, I’ve been honest before God (and now you) that I want to take His yoke upon me, and allow Him to carry the load, in so doing I will find rest for my soul. I know this isn’t the one – catch all thing that I have to do before all of my fear will be taken away, I know I need to constantly keep this in check before Him. The book referred me to 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I want to be made perfect in love and not constantly fearing. It is my prayer that I’ll find myself perfected in love.
