This was my twitter, that became my facebook status a few seconds ago.
I just met with a friend, Marie, to talk about life – and I feel it more evolved into me verbally processing and trying to make sense of my life.
I have the confidence to know that God can take anything and turn it into good, because I’ve seen him do it time and again, but I feel like right now, I’m just complicated.

You may have heard me say this, but it really is true, I feel like I’m so out of place here (in America) that I don’t feel like I’m functioning at my fullest potential. I don’t know, maybe it’s not America – maybe it’s my situation, but whatever it is, I feel like I’m at a major crossroads, and I feel the pressure to act like I know the direction in which my life is headed, when I really don’t. And I feel like I don’t fit the picket fence mold, and that I never will. That the shape I’m being forced into here isn’t what I was meant to become. Sort of the round peg, square hole syndrome. I think this has to do with complacency and maybe even more so with knowing what I could be.

I feel like this makes me complicated because these are the things I think about on the daily. I feel like who I am today – is six steps behind where I should’ve been. Why? I guess because I feel like my growth is limited. This is for a myriad of reasons, like the fact that I’ve just always led a small group because it’s what I do.

I want to break the mold of becoming who I wasn’t ever meant to become and head straight down the path of becoming who I really am supposed to be. I don’t know how, I feel lost, I feel complicated, when I’m saved and I feel like I should know where I’m headed and I should feel more together than I feel.

Is this my quarter life crisis? (a few years late?)

I’ve set foot inside my dashboard where I sometimes come out with a post, like this one, but a lot of times I never make it through. I get caught up in other things – other thoughts, life gets in the way- and I intend to keep it like that.

As I listen to my upstairs neighbor strum his guitar, I’m reminded that it’s the simple things that set my feet to dancing. I have so many things to be thankful for, and even more to come in this life.

I live in the midst of a community with many people, lots of hurts, lots of joys, and many moments that go unnoticed. Talking to a volunteer today about the loss of her brother, or another about her mother’s third bout with cancer, and the glimmer of hope – the light that I see in the eye of the believer in the midst of pain.

Even with all of these things, life moves strangely on, just marches right out the door with it’s life stages and all. I think it all hit me in a weird way today. It’s just that, I experience life very deeply, your hurt becomes my hurt, and I’d like to think this is Biblical. Or maybe, just insane.

But, I find it here, in Romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

(which, I think means I have a pretty good argument for it being Biblical)

But what about those emotions with which we have no grid to identify. Are we to pretend? Or expect something deeper? I know on a gut level we are called to love, and love we do. I guess, this is a lifelong process.

With the hurts, come the joys, and one so recent – it’s in my own apartment. My roommate, Courtney, got engaged on Saturday night. I’m so glad for her and Graham, glad that they get to see the gospel lived out in the analagous picture of marriage. I know for both of them, this makes their hearts leap! Mine too, leaps, for them.

Oh how life, picks up it’s tail, and moves on. It does, and I, find myself, so often clinging to the familiar, my selfishness that I mask with a word; independence. I don’t want it to pass me by, I want to live fully and deeply and in reality. It’s just hard to experience grief with others and joy with others, all in the same, day…or few minutes…

Maybe this is the tie in – the thing we’re looking for in all of this… that is just a few verses earlier in Romans 12… I think this helps for me, to see how I’m called to live, love, grieve, and rejoice…

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

joyful in hope

patient in affliction

faithful in prayer

These things I can do, thank you for the concise list, Paul.

or as the message puts it:

Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

I want to be a good friend who loves deeply, but I don’t always want to play second fiddle, but these go hand in hand.

I have a lot to chew on. But, in the mean time, I’ll practice playing second fiddle, maybe the strum of the guitar could use some harmony.

i was driving to work and thinking…

a lot of times we approach people, our own circumstances as if we can pull ourselves out of the trenches, when really, we need someone else.

why is it that we want to be the savior? is it because we know what it feels like to be saved? or is it pride?

feedback please.

So, I finally gave in and did it. It seemed like I needed to, given this facebook forward was coming up in conversations and people were asking me, “so when are you going to do it?” So, I did it. I gave it some time, I let it sink in, and then I wrote them, my list of twenty-five, which at first was thirty-one, which, Jeremy affectionately tells me, “that’s not the point.” Oh, and, since I have a love for twitter and the facebook status merge, I wrote them as if they were all facebook statuses in third person.

So, without further adieu, my (or should I say her)….

1. loves fonts & typography. Ampersands combined with lowercase give her the giggles.
2. finds design to be compelling and a great creative outlet, although, self taught and still learning.
3. loves odd numbers. Especially the number 3.
4. loves to travel! Has visited England, France, Canada, Poland, Slovakia, Czech Republic, Hungary, Austria, Serbia, Italy, Spain, most of the east coast & Colorado. She dreams of living overseas again.
5. has lost patriotism after living overseas. And will never be the same.
6. likes to read books that invoke change.
7. enjoys cooking, and is always on the search for a good recipe.
8. makes life goals and hopes to follow through on them. (like living overseas, running a 5k)
9. wants to be hipster, but fears that because of her web 2.0 ways, will never fully cross the threshold.
10. is enthralled by technology and it’s ever-changingness. and might add, has to have it!
11. likes talking in 3rd person.
12. finds thriftyness to be a worthy challenge.
13. experiences life & music deeply.
14. loves rearranging and probably does so about once a month.
15. finds pieces of houses to be favorite décor, like doors, windows, & old ceiling tiles.
16. dates a guy that changed her perspective on life.
17. appreciates authenticity in friendships and adores strong community.
18. loves mexican food, especially Sunday nights at Flaming Amy’s.
19. constantly searches the web for plug-ins, widgets, theming, fonts, & design trends. She finds this keeps her inspired.
20. loves her friends near & far. She has hopes that one day they will all meet each other in a collision of sorts.
21. much prefers the mild seasons over the hottest and coldest ones.
22. is not a maintainer, she enjoys pioneering.
23. has been suckered into many a-personality test. And therefore wants you to know that she’s an ESTJ.
24. has a style described as “funky-fresh.” and really loves color and her apartment shows it. her favorite is the color green & everything it stands for.
25. appreciates all things apple, including the fruit.