feels complicated. (or round peg in a square hole)

February 24, 2009 in life with 3 Comments

This was my twitter, that became my facebook status a few seconds ago.
I just met with a friend, Marie, to talk about life – and I feel it more evolved into me verbally processing and trying to make sense of my life.
I have the confidence to know that God can take anything and turn it into good, because I’ve seen him do it time and again, but I feel like right now, I’m just complicated.

You may have heard me say this, but it really is true, I feel like I’m so out of place here (in America) that I don’t feel like I’m functioning at my fullest potential. I don’t know, maybe it’s not America – maybe it’s my situation, but whatever it is, I feel like I’m at a major crossroads, and I feel the pressure to act like I know the direction in which my life is headed, when I really don’t. And I feel like I don’t fit the picket fence mold, and that I never will. That the shape I’m being forced into here isn’t what I was meant to become. Sort of the round peg, square hole syndrome. I think this has to do with complacency and maybe even more so with knowing what I could be.

I feel like this makes me complicated because these are the things I think about on the daily. I feel like who I am today – is six steps behind where I should’ve been. Why? I guess because I feel like my growth is limited. This is for a myriad of reasons, like the fact that I’ve just always led a small group because it’s what I do.

I want to break the mold of becoming who I wasn’t ever meant to become and head straight down the path of becoming who I really am supposed to be. I don’t know how, I feel lost, I feel complicated, when I’m saved and I feel like I should know where I’m headed and I should feel more together than I feel.

Is this my quarter life crisis? (a few years late?)

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facebook comments:

  • http://www.kristinwithani.wordpress.com Kristin

    Kelly, I totally cannot remember how old you are, but for what it’s worth, there’s a “28-29 crisis”. It’s normal. Again, not sure if that’s helpful in the least but I clearly remember mine and think I’m there again at age almost-38. Sounds like you are in a good place because you at least acknowlege it! Keep processing.

    (love your blog and have blog-envy for your graphics)

  • http://www.erinblair.wordpress.com Erin Blair

    Hey Kelly! I know we’ve only talked briefly in passing but let me tell you God just randomly led me to your page and I would LOVE to get together with you. Send me an email if you want and we can talk more. Have a blessed day!

  • IB

    “There is nothing finer nor more pathetic to me than the way in which missionaries unlearn the love of the old home, die to their native land, and wed their hearts to the people they have served and won; so that they cannot rest in England [or Wilmington], but must return to lay their bones where they spent their hearts for Christ. How vulgar the common patriotisms seem beside this inverted homesickness, this passion of a kingdom which has no frontier and no favored race, the passion of a homeless Christ!”—P.T. Forsyth I read this and thought of you…what a gift from God your wrestles heart is.