through the motions… i go.

Have you ever heard the phrase,

I’m just going through the motions?

I ask because I’m there, right now. This week has kicked my tail, my schedule isn’t rigorous, but it’s invasive. It requires introspection and it requires my heart to be engaged fully on a daily basis – it’s exhausting.

Ever since I’ve been back in America I haven’t felt fully myself, and I suppose I never really will. This isn’t very comforting, because I’m living in America right now, and quite frankly, I’d like to feel like myself again.

I know I keep bringing this up, and I hope it isn’t overwhelming to you, dear reader, but it seems to reoccur in my heart.

I’m going through the motions, and I’m admitting it. I’m a small group leader, an advocate, and I work at a church. I meet with people sometimes one – on – one, but God knows it is only by his grace that I am able to pour out anything.

I’ve been trying to draw from the past – from where I’ve been, specifically last year. Because, I figured out how to walk with God where I was (overseas) last year. But, I have not figured out how to do it now, where I am, right now.

I’m doing the right things. I’m praying, even reading my Bible, journaling, but I feel a solid disconnect between me and God.

I was encouraged tonight by a dear friend to keep going, to keep pushing through, that it is in these times that I am able to show God that my relationship with Him is not emotionally based. Just because I don’t “feel” like having a quiet time doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t have one.

I don’t know I suppose blogging is a way of verbally processing for me, I don’t think anyone really would want to sit down with me and help hash this through, but I am thinking through some things, and asking God somethings, and knowing that I need to put a few things in place that just aren’t – ie a mentor – someone to speak truth into my life.

You can pray for me. I’m not in desperation as this season has been a long one – and it’s not to say I haven’t had a “good quiet time” it’s just that nothing is consistent and on the whole I don’t feel like I am connecting with God.

Have you ever had this issue, and if so, what did you do?